Monday, February 05, 2007

I've glimpsed my future......

Last night I ended up curled awkwardly and grumpily on the living room couch. I have this eerie feeling it won't be my last couch sleep.

Before people start sending me numbers for marriage counsellors, I wish to be clear that I still love Fatty. I may be glaring at his back today; I may be somewhat clipped in my responses. I may even be considering performing some radical palatal and tonsillar surgery on him, in the kitchen, without anaesthetic (I suppose that's a little harsh, isn't it? I'll give him an anaesthetic lozenge). Yet, despite these seemingly ominous signs, I consider myself happily married. At least during daytime hours.

I knew Fatty was a snorer when I married him. I figured I would eventually get used to it. And I have, for the most part. Having kids has made me so tired, I fall into slumber most nights within seconds. If I happen to wake to a rumbling sound beside me, I just jiggle the bed until the rumble stops, and I am asleep again in seconds.

I have failed to factor in the worsening of this problem, though. I stupidly didn't consider the fact we would both get older, greyer, saggier, and, in Fatty's case, snorier. When I vowed to love Fatty for better or for worse, I never imagined that vow referred to the nocturnal truck-gear-grinding noises that would one day emanate from my husband.

I never imagined that I would lie awake, as I did in the dawn hours this morning, wishing I had a giant MUTE button for dear Fatty. Now wouldn't that be helpful?

I could even lend him the mute button to use on me, for when I whine too much. Which is hardly ever.


John Cowart said...

Secret to a happy marriage?

It's to recognize that nobody loves anybody all the time!

When Oprah asked Billy Graham about his marriage, he said, "Ruth and I are happily incompatible".

I like that answer.

susan said...

A mute button! Classic. Let us know when you perfect that little widget, you could make a fortune!

Remiman said...

Hmmm, I've never heard me snore, but I've spent many anight on the couch to escape wood cutting in our boudouir.

Heather said...

Poor Jellyhead! I hope you got a better night's sleep last night!

Kerri said...

I must admit I was a little disturbed by your opening paragraph :)
Poor Jelly. It's no fun sleeping (or should I say not sleeping) with a snorer or noisy breather.
Many a night I've poked and prodded my 'heavy-breather' hubby to stifle the noise! He's much better these days (nights, that is, thank heavens.
We have "Breathe Right" nasal strips over here that are supposed to help snorers. I wonder if you have them over there. They might be worth a try.
Sleeping on the couch is for the birds...or, perhaps the cats!

Motherkitty said...

I completely understand your dilemma. Problem solved with bedroom humidifiers. Breathe Right strips also work. Finally, I understand that there's a throat spray for this "problem". Of course, other than continuing to sleep on the couch or sleeping in separate bedrooms, there's no way around this nighttime noise. You could use earplugs.

shellyC said...

I have a rule in my house "It doesn't matter where anybody sleeps, so long as everyone is sleeping!" In your case I would suggest that it is Fatty who has the sofa!!

Oh and I think you are being too generous with the anaesthetic throat lozenge!!!

meggie said...

I confess I laughed, but I have had the problem also. With age it seems to have improved- or perhaps I am getting deaf??

I read a blog about the snoring problem recently- sorry forgotten where- but it made me laugh with recognition.

She said she lay there hating every fibre of his being with every fibre of her being while he snored- yet she knows she loves him, & would never harm him!

I have no solutions,- wouldnt I be wealthy if I had the perfect answer!!

Val said...

"Snorier"?! What a great word!

But what you say is a worry, I too had never thought of the problem getting worse with age. And at least one problem (teeth grinding) has disappeared altogether.

However, may I pass on a technique which provides occasional success but is always satisfying? I refer to something that librarians, if one is to believe the stereotype, have some practice at. After the nudges in the back (or scraping toenails up the calf) are no longer giving temporary relief, just emit a very loud "SHHHHHH!" The very act itself releases the tension, and oh the moans, groans or grunts that ensue from His Snoriness gives a perverse little tingle of delight, and often works a treat! Try it, you've got nothing to lose!

thisisme said...

Oh Jelly, I hope you got some sleep. Sleep deprivation isn't fun. I love the word snorier too :)

mackeydoodle said...

I need your help!!!
My sons teacher said that the water flushes counter clockwise in toilets in the southern hemisphere. I always thought that was a myth.
I have been checking the internet & can not seem to find one solid answer!!!!
So could you please, oh please, my sweet Jelly, flush your toilet & tell me which direction it goes?!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Anonymous said...

My hubby developed a snore that was unbearable. I found that he wasn't breathing a few times. He went for a sleep test and they found he had sleep apnea. They said he stopped breathing so much that it was causing stress on his heart. He had surgey and now we can sleep in bed together again.

You might want to look into this... for his life.

Abandoned in Pasadena said...

My Jimmy used to be a really loud snorer but once he retired from work the snoring ceased. Apparently it was work related. It was a very big problem as it woke me up all night long and I was constantly pushing & prodding him to stop. Rolling him on his side did work.

Guess what???? Now I am the big snorer and he says nothing can quiet me down except to wake me up. I'm sure that my snoring must be weight related...too much flabbiness.

Mimi said...

Isn't there some sort of product called "snorease" or something like that? I do the shake and back to sleep thing but strangely I have just at over 40 started talking in my sleep, even waking myself up too? Go figure.