Thursday, April 05, 2007

winding down

Sometimes I can shed my workday worries and leave them outside the house - discarded, paper-thin, ready to drift away with the very next zephyr. I know those worries are there. I carry on as if they're not. Next time I peer outside, there's nothing but small balls of dog hair and a few dead leaves.

Other times, I come home from work and feel uneasy. Mostly, I'm not even sure why.

Today, I wonder - is it the melancholy of seeing Polly, a sweet octogenarian, who is lonely but won't admit it, who is losing weight before my eyes, who always looks stylish, and who has a smile that is equal parts bravado and happiness?

Or am I worried about Ned, who has incurable bladder cancer, and who talks and talks and talks and talks, and who looked much older than his 70-odd years today?

I know I keep wondering about about Leah, who I referred to a specialist with a puzzling lab result that could indicate anything from cancer to Cumquat disease (you're right, I made up the cumquat disease)

Maybe it wasn't Ned, or Polly or Leah, or any one person. Maybe it is just my mind whirling, my thoughts spinning, my anxiety levels skyrocketing irrationally too high. Because in case you haven't figured it out yet - I can be a bit like that. Neurotic. Anxious. Wired too tightly.

I tried a glass of Kahlua and Frangelico and milk. (Don't try this at home folks. Alcohol should NOT be used to self-medicate...... he he) But what would cure me for certain would be a run, a gym class, even a long sweaty ride on the exercise bike. So why am I not pedalling this very minute, instead of whining to you?

I'm too lazy. It's dark, it's night-time, my kids are asleep and my husband is off sweating with his friends (playing squash, in case you were visualising some male-bonding towel-waisted sauna session). I don't want to go jump on the exercise bike and pedal like a mad thing. I'd rather just stay a non-perspiring mad thing, thanks very much.

Of course, blogging is another cure for those unsettled emotions. And I'm feeling better by the minute as I tap away here in my stunted 2-fingered fashion. (Veering off the topic for a moment - a question ...... If your doctor typed with two fingers, at a moderate speed but with a moderate error rate to boot, would you hold it against her? Or him? Or would you - she says, leading, leading, coaxing, coaxing - would you find it endearing and forgivable rather than regarding her as an inept idiot? Please reply frankly. But not too frankly. In fact, brutally honest answers will be deleted)

So where was I ? Oh yes, feeling strung-out. Except, I'm no longer feeling so strung-out. It's a miracle! I am cured!

No snarky comments about the alcohol finally kicking in, people. I only had 1 drink. I am not an alcoholic. Hi, my name's Jelly, and I am not an alcoholic.

Life can be anxiety-provoking. But I hate to waste the quiet times; the peaceful moments that could be spent reading, laughing, cuddling. Sometimes, like everyone else at one time or another, I have to shake my silly self and give myself a stern talking-to. But tonight my ill-feeling seems to have evaporated on expression. No need to chastise myself further. All I need now is a cup of hot chocolate, a piece of banana cake, and my big, fat book.

It's turning out to be a wonderful evening after all.


shellyC said...

Hello Jelly - My name is Shelly and I am NOT an alcoholic either!!! But I do enjoy/need the odd drink some/most nights!!!
I can imagine it must be so hard to leave your work at work and not let it drag you down. Glad your blog can help you feel better - you make us feel better too!!!

Remiman said...

You can type with one finger for all I care. As long as you have your finger on my pulse when I need checking you're ok in my book. Don't hesitate to prescribe alcohol, hot chocolate, banana anything (creme pie is good), to be used to alleviate my ailments.
Cumquat disease? Saints preserve's an asiatic disease is it not? I hope it's not airborne! Does it lower the pH of the blood and make it 'sweeter' at the same time?
I'm glad your writing helped you feel better with or without the ETOH. ;-) I know it did me!
ps. I think blogger dx'd your pt. with its word verification....

cmhl said...

Jelly--- thank you for your comment on my post today--- that really, really resonated with me. Seriously. Thank you!!!!! it is amazing how you see something in a certain way (or think you are seen), and then one insightful comment from someone wonderful like you can totally make you say, "I didn't think of it THAT way!!"

Thank you-- you have made my week!!!

susan said...

First, so glad we could be there for you, feel free to vent at any time!

Second, why don't you introduce Lonely Polly to Talkative Ned - I bet they would get along famously!

And last, physician heal thyself - with whatever works for you - alcohol, chocolate, cake...

Redneck Mommy said...

Hello, I am T, and I drink.

But mostly just cocoa. And try to stay away from the alcoholic beverages I pine for, seeing as how I'm a cheap drunk and always alone.

Nothing worse than a tipsy mom, all by herself, weeping the night away.


And Jelly, I do the two fingered chicken hunt and peck typing thing too.

I have always found it endearing.

Motherkitty said...

Methinks you have had too much caffeine in your diet, dear lady, all in an effort to be everything to everybody.

Time to slow down, ease your mind, rest and relax. I wish I could fly over to your house and make everything better for you. Neck rub? Cuppa tea? Quiet talk?

I loved Susan's solution. It would be a violation of HIPAA to give a patient's name to another patient all in an effort to hook them up to each other. But, it would probably be a match made in heaven, don't you think?

My name is Motherkitty and I only occasionally have a drink. If I was in my 30s, I would probably need more than one. But now that I'm in my 60s, I would be under the table with two of anything containing ETOH.

meggie said...

Jelly, typing with 2 fingers is my Dr's specialty, & she is wonderful!

So glad your vent helped you feel better.
Thank you for your kind comments on my blog.

thisisme said...

Must be something in the air - you know I've been unsettled too. At least you can put your finger on why. I'm blaming the full moon. My GP is a 2 finger typist too - and I wouldn't change her for anything. I'm so glad that blogging helps - keep it up - for all of us. Oh, and to answer your question - you didn't miss a post - I wrote it, but it was too self indulgent, wallowy and whingy, so I need to fix it before I post it.

Val said...

Hi Jelly, I see you have succeeded in self medicating by blogging, but with two fingers???! The very act of learning to type, as opposed to hunting and pecking, would be therapeutic and empowering. Think of how you could wow your patients by carrying on with your consultation, keeping eye contact, while entering in all the details in your medical database. Although I do suggest proofreading later!

John Cowart said...

I was going to comment and leave a brutally honest answer, but since you'd delete it anyhow, why bother?

Yes, the angst and weight of existence is heavy.

And it's hard to get from under it without help.

Blogging is one of my helps too.

Kerri said...

You've mixed the serious side of life with humour again Jelly in your own inimitable way. Thank you! I so love reading your thoughtful musings.
Ross says to tell you he'd never go to a Dr. who types with only 2 fingers (he does so himself...but he's not a Dr. you see). He should make an effort to post his own comments, don't you agree?
I, on the other hand, find it endearing :)
I too would rather blog than ride our exercise bike...and I'd rather drink Kahlua and Frangelico (I'm not cultured enough to know what the latter is) and milk than...well, I don't know...I need to taste it first :)
I'm glad you choose blogging as a method of therapy Jelly. You help us all! :) So please just keep pecking away! xoxoxo
BTW, you know my smart alec husband was kidding, don't you? He'd choose you over anybody :)

Christal said...

Hi Jelly~

Since I dont know what to say... I will say I enjoy your site and I hope that you have a great day! I had a bad day yesterday....
Lots of smiles and laughter to you!

Sandy said...

So glad that blogging and a little drink made you feel better, but I think it was probably more to do with venting on your blog than with the little drink.

I like Susan's idea but since you can't introduce those two patients to each other perhaps you could have your receptionist schedule them both to be in the same waiting room at the same time. Our waiting rooms are filled with friendly chatter even among strangers. There's always a chatter box who can get everyone involved in conversation.

The main reason I never sought another job in a surgeon's office was because of the carry-over feelings of helplessness...of not being able to grant a wish for someone's life to be extended a little longer or just to be cured altogether.

Yes, even the help feel this way sometimes, but I'm sure it's greater for you since you are the one they come to for help.

I'm glad your blog has made you feel better and you know we are always here to listen to you vent.

Mimi said...

Jelly, I am not a doctor and have no patients to worry about but I can so relate to your post. I sometimes get that same vague worrisome, something is not right feeling. I'm glad writing your blog helped as we all enjoy reading it too.


Puss-in-Boots said...

Hello, Jellyhead, I've popped over from Rel's where you nominated as a Thinking Blogger. Good nomination, I say.

My doctor types with two fingers, but I don't hold that against him.

As for the self medication bit with a glass or two of whatever, I'm in great favour of that and practice it regularly.

Fra Angelica, now that is such a beautiful drink, but I don't like it adulterated with other substances, by itself on the side of a black coffee is...mmm mmm.

Have a good Easter and I'm glad you're feeling better now. Otherwise take two aspirin...

Anonymous said...

I haven't drank in over 10 years!!
Sometimes I say I would like a drink, but then I say WHY? and then I don't