Friday, September 07, 2007

tales of a gym bunny

You didn't know I was a gym bunny? Well, perhaps it's the term 'bunny' that you're struggling with. I mean, it's true I attend my local gym twice a week, almost without fail. But given the state of my thighs and the fact that my upper arms are beginning to wave in the breeze..... well, considering all this I might better be called a gym hag. But 'bunny' sounds much more cheery. So try to swallow your misgivings, and let me be the bunny. he he.

Today, this ageing bunny took herself to her usual boxing class at the gym. This gym class is renowned for being brutal. Our pumped-up instructor can do a handstand directly from a crouched position (go on - try it!), he makes us 'ski sit' against the wall for minutes on end, he makes us shuttle run, do sit-ups, run, do push ups, and run, and run and run. He is a tyrant. But he makes us all very fit.

Into this class of mostly thirty-to forty-something mothers wandered a petite, immaculate Eurasian-looking young woman in tight black lycra. I fiddled with my long loose sweatpants and straightened my T-shirt as I enviously eyed her neat hips and miniature thighs. This chick was not just slim, she was tiny. Tiny in a way I will never be unless I acquire some hideous wasting disease. On her delicate frame, though, her smallness was cute and appealing.

Ms Tiny took up a position off to my left, and began to punch the air, as we warmed up. I was gratified to see in my peripheral vision that she looked a bit awkward, a bit unco, as we Aussies say (unco=uncoordinated). Almost immediately, though, my cheer turned sour as I turned and caught a glimpse of her face up close. Dark eyes, button nose - overall disgustingly pretty. I am opposed to this kind of excess physical beauty on principle. I believe it encourages moral laxity in the afflicted individuals. Also, these people make me look bad.

I kept punching the air, wondering to myself if perhaps Ms Tiny might be really dumb or even better completely humorless. I comforted myself with the fact that she was unlikely to make carrot cake like I can.

The class continued as we punched in pairs. I was paired with Heidi, a warm and funny woman who smiles all the time, even when she's punching. When she really relaxes, she also makes sound effects as she punches, saying softly, 'Shhhww, shhhww', as she belts the mitts.

I was getting pretty tired by the time The Taskmaster instructed us to lie on our sides on the small platform at the front of the room, hips at the edge of the 'step', fingertips behind ears. 'Touch your elbow to the floor, come up, then down again.... keep going until you've done twenty side-crunches', he ordered.

Ms Tiny was positioned next to me again. 'Good', I thought to myself. 'She's bound to be bad at this. She's so scrawny, she'll have no power whatsoever'. But I was forgetting basic physics. Ms Tiny's muscles were a tad smaller than mine. But her torso also weighed about half as much as mine. Off she went, bobbing up and down interminably, while I sweated and grunted and thought about ways to kill Miniature Gym Bunnies.

Finally, I was finished - but of course Mini Gym Bunny had finished before me, and was sitting pertly nearby. I sat up, shaky..... lurched.... and knocked over Mini Gym Bunny.

What? What are you suggesting? It was an accident.

I can't help it if she's so puny that one bump from a slightly chubby knee sends her sprawling on the floor. Besides, she should know better than to show up her elders and ugliers.

Even though none of it was my fault, and frankly she deserved worse for daring to be so cute, Mini Gym Bunny was dismissive of my apologies. She frowned and refused to even meet my gaze. Anyone would think there was something awful about being bowled over by a jealous, sweaty, baggy-clothed (possibly smelly?) gym hag.

I can't see the problem myself.


mackeydoodle said...

OMG!!!! I am the first to comment!!! I never got to comment first!!
Yay me!
You make me laugh you evil gym bunny you....and's not your fault she is so fragile & probably weighs as much as a bag of cotton candy!

shellyC said...

Well I was reading very anxiously in the hope you had punched her!! But knocking her over is just as good!!!

This gym hag needs to get her wobbly butt and every other wobbly bit to the gym too - at least now I know there are ways to deter the real gym bunnies!!!

fifi said...

oh, you naughty girl.

I would have at least pinched her viciously within the first three minutes.

Val said...

Gee, I hope you have more strings to your bow than....making carrot cake!!!

We had an odd bunny land in our mainly homogenous ladies aerobics group a few years ago, but she stood out because of her fanatical exercising at a million miles an hour, so that even the teacher's jaw dropped to the floor. I think we breathed a collective sigh of relief when she left after a couple of weeks. I guess we were too slack for her.

Your class sounds like hard work. I applaud you for continuing to attend!

John Cowart said...

Youth and skill are never a match for old age and treachery.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Jells, loved that gym thing...I would have done exactly the same...what are you talking about? Of course it was an accident...hush your mouth, girl!

Heidi said...

"I kept punching the air, wondering to myself if perhaps Ms Tiny might be really dumb or even better completely humorless. I comforted myself with the fact that she was unlikely to make carrot cake like I can."

This is hilarious!!! Very fun post!

meggie said...

I always knew there were darned good reasons for not joining a gym!
Who needs to feel envy as well as exhaustion!

thisisme said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha - you evil woman. I love it :)

Heather said...

I guess you're intent on dissolving that "good girl" aura that clings to you?


Alice said...

So it was YOU who was so mean to me and pushed me over???... I wish!!!

TUFFENUF said...

Ha-Ha! I love it Jelly! the mini-bunny may never come back! I feel the same way when I am out riding my bike and some "real" bikers come by & show me up.

Remiman said...

The boss cat has to let the kitties know their place. ;)

Kerri said...

Hey Alice stole my line! But I guess with my pale "English" complexion and pot belly I can't really pass for an immaculate, petite Eurasion.
I just can't imagine my Jelly being a mean spirited gym, bunny. Who knew? Pull your socks up girl!
P.S. I think Heather is on to you :) You can't ruin that good girl image Jelly. We know you better :)

Sandy said...

Ha, ha, ha...
You're just such a funny bunny too!

I already know that you're fit, you're beautiful and have brains to boot.

Mimi said...

Hysterical, one of your best. I know exactly how you feel. Though I am fit for my age (as my teenage daughter loves to add)I will also never be small.