Wednesday, May 02, 2007

speak no evil

I have found myself with not much to say lately. Astonishing, really. My report cards were always peppered with comments such as, "Jellyhead needs to remember not to talk during class". Not that the teachers actually called me Jellyhead - which, come to think of it, might have been nice. A sort of fond nickname. But I digress.

One of my closest friends suffers with depression. She takes medication for it, and has been stable for a few years now. I haven't spent much time with her lately - our busy lives intervene - but we spoke openly yesterday, and she admitted she has been backsliding. She is sleeping poorly again, feeling sad all the time, feeling hopeless about life.

Another close friend sent me an e-mail recently. She finds herself lying in bed at night with racing heart, she is jumpy, and irritable, and wound up like a coil. Her anxiety disorder has rebounded back on her, when she'd thought she had it beat.

I am worried about both these friends. And when I am worried, I am incapable of happy, upbeat posts. In fact, I am incapable of posting about anything, really, except what's on mind. Hence I've been keeping quiet.

To tell the truth, it's not just my friends I'm concerned about. It's my friendships as well.

I talk to both these friends by phone at least weekly. I went out with one of these friends for a whole day about two weeks ago. Yet I did not know either of them was struggling - not in any major way. I don't know if I have been unobservant, or unapproachable, or both.

I don't know how it can be that life gets so busy that I have hardly any time to be with my friends, or even to just talk at length with my friends. I want to lead a balanced life, and I try to do so, but sometimes I feel that I'd be better just being a mother only, a doctor only, a wife only, or a friend only. I am slicing this pie into so many pieces that the pastry is crumbling and no-one ever gets enough.

That's where my head's at today.

Seems I managed to live up to my reputation of talking a lot, after all.


thisisme said...

It is hard to know that our friends are hurting, and even harder when we haven't realised. I wonder if your friends were hiding behind the mask that we all put on when we are trying to cope with life and things are getting too hard. Try not to beat yourself up, and just do what you can do support your friends. I'm sure they would hate to think you were feeling guilty about not have realised.

fifi said...

hello jellyhead

you have ariculated just how I feel.
Life sometimes keeps you apart from things,
today I was thinking how I felt as if I were ina glass skyscarper, and my friends wre in theirs, and we could only wave at each other from our glass towers.

Interesting thoughts

shellyC said...

So glad you are still talking Jelly. I feel for you Jelly. Even making the pie bigger doesn't help. But I am sure your friends understand you have so much on and are thrilled to have you as their friend.

word verif; thepi

Redneck Mommy said...

Jelly, this post resonates loudly with me.

Sigh. Not enough hours in the day to do everything I wish I could, be everything I wish I could.

Even bigger sigh.

meggie said...

This seems to be a modern dilemma.
I wonder why depression is increasing, when life is supposedly easier?
There seem to be times in a life, when things fly apart, or wont cohere... Try not to beat yourself up over it all. One day at a time..

Remiman said...

I like it when you can share some common feelings that get you down. No one (well, except for me ;-0) can be upbeat all the time.
These posts make you more real. Not to say your not real, but you show many sides of yourself and that's more than most do.

We take different paths. We do those things daily that we've chosen to be priorities. Sometimes we run out of time, but if we give priority to those things that are of the first order ever day, no more can you ask of yourself.

I've been depressed lately. I don't let my friends know, I don't want them to know.
And so it goes.

Val said...

I would say you are doing a damn fine job at friendship if you can phone them weekly, as well as email and visit face to face. And with all that you have on your plate. Chats with you would be SO therapeutic, from what I know of the BloggerJelly.

Heather said...

Val is dead on in her intuition-- chats with you ARE very therapeutic and you are a great friend. Keep in mind that both of your friends chose to share their problems with you and that means they trust you and obviously feel that you are doing a bang up job at being there for them.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are wonderful.


Sandy said...

I echo everyone else's comments and agree that sometimes it's not easy posting when you are feeling this way. It's hard trying to be cheery and upbeat when you know your friends are hurting in some way.

Alice said...

Dear Jelly - you are the most empathetic and compassionate person I know.

Let your friends know that you are always happy and ready to hear from them and share the good times AND the not-so-good times. Hopefully, you will remain a bright ray of hope for them in their darkness.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I agree with others that have posted on this, Jellyhead, that your friends were putting on a good face. We all do it, until things get too much and we break. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Life seems to be busy nowadays, there is so much we have to do to survive in this hectic world...we are in danger of perpetually racing on the running wheel like mice, unable to get off.

jellyhead said...

Thank you, all. I guess it could be that my friends were hiding their distress from me. I still do feel like a bit of a dope.

I have done what you suggested, Alice (in fact I did it straight away) and told each of these friends that I WANT to know how they really, truly are feeling - I want to be a support to them.

I'm glad that some of you could relate to this, and all of you were so kind. Thanks again :)