Saturday, November 19, 2005

hello again!

Hello, hello! I'm ba-ack!

It's a funny thing about holidays with kids.... they are terrific fun, but memory has a way of erasing all the tiresome things about family holidays. I had forgotten about the sunscreen-induced whining, the midday boredom, the minor husband-wife bickering because you aren't used to spending all that time together....need I go on?! I guess this holiday was extra-difficult for the first few days because Louey had fevers for a couple of days, then on the third day Ben had a stomach bug and threw up copiously, twice.

Despite these setbacks, we still had some great swims, some melty slurpy icecreams, a walk around the headland (kids piggybacked by Fatty and I most of the way due to the shortness of their legs and the slowness of their gaits), and a very 'chilled' BBQ with some friends of ours who were staying just nearby. See, my memory is already deleting any unpleasantries!

On a serious note... I've been reading some other blogs, catching up, and noticing that quite few of my 'blogpals' have posted about feeling overwhelmed or even clinically depressed. I always admire their honesty - especially because often it is easier to 'gloss over' our lives, and pretend that we have it 'all together'. I mean, at times that might be the case, but I don't think anyone really has everything under control all the time. So I just wanted to do my bit of confessing and admit that before this holiday, the day before we were leaving, I had this awful feeling of dread, thinking - sure, I'm going on holidays, but the week will pass quickly and then I'm back to the relentlessness of my life, and especially the relentless fear in my work - the constant nagging worry that I will do something wrong, such that someone will come to harm because of me. I felt a bit panicky. Then I felt panicky about feeling panicky! - just wondering how to get the feeling to pass.
I know I was partly just stressed getting everything ready for going away, and probably really did need a holiday from my job. It disturbed me, though, to feel a rising sense of 'it's all too hard and will never get any better'. Mostly because it wasn't a thought I was having, it wasn't a hare-brained idea I'd gotten into my head that I could just put aside. This was a gut feeling, a sickening sensation that told me there was no point looking forward to the break because it would be just as awful when I came back again. Which is silly, I know, but I couldn't shake off the feeling, bordering on despair.
I feel a lot better now - back to my usual fairly positive self. And I know that what I felt for a day was what others endure for days, weeks, months or longer. So I'm really not saying poor me - just saying that if everyone was to be brutally honest, we all probably have secret fears and anxieties - to lesser and greater degrees. At least through admitting them, hopefully others will feel less alone.


Motherkitty said...

Welcome back. We've missed you during the past week, and hope you had a nice time cavorting in the surf, even with the little kiddies' upset tummies. Your post prompted me to wax poetic about the holidays. I can understand the anxiety and depression some people feel, but, because I love the holiday so much, use it as an excuse to "do a little dance, sing a little song, and just be happy."

Heather said...

I am so glad you are back, jelly! I am glad you are feeling better too! You are right, if we were all honest about things, we wouldn't feel the need to hide it when we are feeling blue.

I'll share with you right now that I am feeling GREAT right now. ;-D

mackeydoodle said...

Welcome back Jellyfish!
It is hard to be honest about feelings sometimes but it can be so freeing to let it out. I don't always go on about the yucky days in my life but sometimes I just have to. I have been blessed with a great group of fellow bloggers that are always there to lend me advice & support & let me tell you, you have all helped me more than you could ever know!

Alice said...

Sounds like a typical family holiday to me, but I'm glad you can look back at the yucky bits with amusement and recall the good bits with pleasure.

I think the state of the world and magnitude of events and problems can sometimes seem so overwhelming that they affect how we feel in our everyday lives. It's good that you can share how you feel, bad times as well as good, and realise that you're not alone in the ups and downs of life. I hope you have a really good week.

susan said...

Welcome back! May you remember only the good parts. Just remember the sand between your toes, the beautiful sky, the sound of the ocean.